June 8, 2026

I am up in the north.... vacationing on the lake in a nice open cottage. It's nice, although a particularly unsavory pair tests my patience every day. My sister has a new boyfriend, and the two of them together pair perfectly! as in, neither of them make much of an effort to involve themselves in anything or prove that they are good humans. I'm beginning to get quite sick of their attitudes. They act like there's not four other people in this house. Seriously? Making NO effort to help clean or unpack? spending every waking hour together with no care or empathy for the emotions of others? At best, it's unintentionally incompetent and idiotic. At worst, it's intentionally rude and dismissive. I've always disliked my sister and this face she puts on for others. She doesn't care about people. If she did, she'd actually be a decent human behind closed doors, too! she wouldn't make life SO MUCH MORE DIFFICULT for my mother all the damn time, as she has done for so many years. Where I grew to care, her growth was, for some reason, indefinitley stunted. Again, I feel as if she never learnt empathy, beyond what will make her look better in public. she's completely one-dimensional. She spent all supper with my grandparents bellowing loudly with her nothingburger boyfriend and talking over my poor grandpa. Seriously? It's family dinner, not your own personal fucking podcast. We're not your audience. Shut up!!! oh my god!!! it was just so impolite!!! I couldn't get a damn word in because they were just spitting to eachother about their own lives and their own friends... again, they made no attempts to involve themselves in dinner, or show to my grandparents that this new guy is a good fellow. Like I said: i'm just glad she found someone she could be lazy and self-absorbed with! just sucks that I have to suffer for it, though! It's going to be a long week, but without them, it's been fun! mellow is here (he was over my shoulder watching me type earlier... he'll be back....) and we've been swimming and boating and stuffing our faces with food we wouldn't otherwise have the chance to eat. I love this place. My family loves mellow, so they love having him up! and I love having him up too, obviously. He taught me solitaire! that's been fun!! i've played so much of it!!! I'm glad it leaves me spending less time on my phone (very much directed at some aforementioned persons) and more time spent livin in the moment. my friend hadley is selling me two grail monster high dolls!! zombie shake venus and rochelle. they're both very beautiful and I can't wait to fix em up nice and pretty!!! if you're reading this: hi hadley!!!! I have so much in my head I want to write about, but I can't seem to find the way to convey much more to all of you. oh well!! stay safe!! luv you all!!!

TODAY'S MISSION: chill with my family!!

TODAY'S FOOD GIF:

May 29, 2026

Ah!! hey netizens!! I promise, I have GOOD excuses for not updating this blog!!! im employed now, and boy is it busy work!!! from 7:00 in the morning to 3:00 in the afternoon. It's a factory that packages and prepares cardboard for suppliers across this side of the state. I sweep, stack, glue, fold, tape, paint, mop.... and i'm getting more exercise consistently than I ever have before in my life!! it's "fun", I guess. I mean, no one LOVES their job, and I still count down the hours until I leave every day, but my coworkers are either nice or tolerable or avoidable and I get to listen to music and work quietly by myself a lot of the time, which is exactly how I like it. all that dust and paint can be gross on my skin tho. I'll have WAY more money than I've ever had to my name before!! what am I gonna do with all that??? probably buy a doll or two. like the geek I am. OH1!!!11!! and I get to work with mellow. So it's not a total unfamiliar scary environment with him around :-). even if I don't see him much, it's nice to know that someone there likes me atleast a little bit. I really thought I'd have more trouble adjusting to work life. I've always been kind of lazy and I've never had a job before, much less one with so much physical labor. but I can really stick with this! I can buy my OWN monster energies!!! and coffee!!! because im a total sucka for both!!! I'm having a grad party tomorrow; the most important remnants of the past thirteen years, compiled into one tiny event. I'm leaving so much behind, aren't I? but for some of it, I couldn't care less. I watched the boy I loved for three long, sick years of my life walk the stage and get his diploma, and I felt nothing. His life will be good, my life will be good, and we'll never cross paths again. I miss seeing luneth in school. as much as I hated that place, first period was about the only thing I'd care to repeat. A part of me died when I left. on the subject of school: covid? we moved on so fast from that!!! we didn't have a choice, but when I hear about how mellow dealt with it, it just reminds me of how screwed up 2020 was, and how... normal it all looked for us kids, relatively, at least. There's nothing normal about the whole world shutting down, but we returned to school that following year, and I still see things that remind me of just how much we were all stunted by that event. when I think of 2020, I get this funny, light feeling in the back of my head. nostalgia for such a bad time that was so good in so many ways. I still see the "six feet apart" signs at my work. weird they didn't remove those. we all really lived through that, huh? social distancing, wearing your mask, those HORRIBLE tests (mellow and I were just talking about the awful alien probes those were)... the world and socialization and the internet cultures of 2020 just left me so scarred, and now those scars feel like art pieces, above and below my skin. now I'm graduated and 2020 was just a funny little year that was more than half a decade ago. I haven't proof-read this, so I probably sound crazy and illiterate. I just type what my brain spits out. time flies. time flies. time flies.

TODAY'S MISSION: stay up way past my bedtime!!! :3

TODAY'S FOOD GIF:

May 15, 2026

Well. Last day of school. My AP exam went awesome, and I've got a lot to look forward to for the next few days. That's it for me. 13 years of an annual routine now comes to an end. I know summer break will be anything but restful... atleast i'll make a lot of money!!! and mellow will get to see what I baked him. I hope he likes it. I'm going to miss like, three juniors (luneth...:-[.)and like, four teachers. As much as I hate this district I love all it's given me. I even loved middle school, as awful as my health was in that point. I remember seeing all those seniors so long ago. It felt like a million miles away! they were all so scary! Now, I'm the scary one. Everything seems so small and menial now. I'm leaving high school. It doesn't feel real yet. I want so much to slow down and so much to speed up, but I like this pace, right now.

TODAY'S MISSION: Walk out these doors a student, one final time.

TODAY'S FOOD GIF:

May 14, 2026

whatz up dorks. the blog has a new look. mayb the other pages will sometime soon... I think it looks okay, what say you? maybe i'm just blind to decent web design. one big issue tho! the side boxes on each page don't scale properly with screen size, so as the resolution changes, the boxes clip and cover the one in the center >:(. i'll fix it soon. i WILL try!! I get to go home and make mellow a dessert :) im so excited!!! almost 3 years....I feel good about myself. I just "vandalized" a school poster generated by ai. it's a small, pathetic thing, but any chance I get to tell people how horrible AI is, i'll take it! god, this place is full of hypocrites and sub-nematodes. You can't love the environment and use AI. you can't call yourself a "good christian" and then call my friends slurs to my face. Love isn't a decision someone makes. Hate is. People don't really CHOOSE who they love, but you make a very conscious decision when you bully those who aren't like you. Maybe I missed the bit in the bible where jesus encouraged calling trans people the r-slur? maybe I skipped over that part? Or maybe it doesn't exist, because you're just a close-minded idiot who hides behind the word of God when someone calls you out. I think jemma has it right. I was reading her old blog posts, and she said something along the lines of God living in all of us through the love we share and the efforts we take to make the world a better place. This boy, this guy who said these things to me... I see no God within him. There is no love of God without love for your fellow living souls. I'm watching this guy in my chemistry class blow up the earth with a laser. If he makes the news for some violent activity later in his life, this is what i'll think of.

TODAY'S MISSION: CRAFT up a baked good. and pack for the robotics comp tmrw.

TODAY'S FOOD GIF:

May 13, 2026

Already onto wednesday... I hugged one of my favorite lunch ladies before going to class. That made me sad... She's one of the, like, three staff members in this place that've known me all four years, and I'll mourn them all so much when I walk out these doors for the last time. In other words, I've been trying to do some updating to the site in my free periods (shoutout 2 cam for already noticing lol). It's nothing pretty right now, but I'm hoping to really make it better over the summer. Maybe i'll mess around with javascript? who knows! the furby is a placeholder but I think it looks funny so maybe it's here to stay. I'm very excited for the robotics competition i'll be at this weekend! those middle schoolers really have worked hard, and I hope they can have fun as they compete. It's been a joy to teach them, and in the process, I myself have learned just how much I need to grow. I'm no good mentor right now, but hopefully, with experience, I can be a better mentor for these students. I'm already thinking about what I'd like to do for next year's game! oh, Otto! Carmelo! You've turned me into a lesser version of yourselves. a sorry excuse of a mentor, I am! I'll learn. maybe one day this'll all feel natural... and maybe one day I'll have a cool website, too. one day! but not today! I've been a crazy beatles fanatic lately. I need to finish "Hard Day's Night" and try to find where I can watch "Help!". Heck, my school profile picture is George Harrison and Paul McCartney. It is only just occuring to me, as I write this, that my wednesday is almost over. I have one more full day of classes. Then i'm gone. I'm going to leave a lot of loose ends untied. Old friends I haven't spoken to in years, old friends I HAVE spoken to, but can't really call them "friends" anymore... I think of my old group from middle school. A nice number of fellas, at the time, and we'd play minecraft and roblox and among us and goof around and spend hours on discord calls... do they think of me? Are they still good people? some aren't, I certainly know that. but has time extinguished those memories from their minds? I feel bitter about them, and yet a part of me can never "hate" people who i've known to be good. I just feel sad when I see who they are now. What made you so hateful? What made you so desperate to "fit in"? I guess male puberty made most of them evil. oh well. I wish you all the best, and I hope I never have to hear anything about it. haha. i'm rambling to people that will never hear it. I don't want them to, do I? It just feels nice to type it all out. I need to update this page, too.

TODAY'S MISSION: go 2 the supermarket. exchange goods. o yea.

TODAY'S FOOD GIF:

May 12, 2026

Good Morning. I look like a dirt and I don't feel much better. haha. Oh well!! day three of constant stomach-aches and I've kind of gotten used to it. I finished an essay about the relativity of truth and the impact of knowledge today, and I'm sort of proud of it! I spoke about modular arithmetic, and how 10+9 = 7 is technically correct when speaking in that context. I love theoreticals and theories and things so much bigger than myself. I like to think big. There's not really any philosophy courses at my school, and how I wish there was! As much as I like to practice subjects with definite correct answers (like standard arithmetic) the ones with infinite answers - and infinite more questions raised in the process of trying to answer the first - leave me with much reflection. After all, what's life if you only limit yourself to what you know? It differentiates us from animals, y'hear? animals can add and subtract and possess and die and live and kill but only we can think of things bigger than ourselves, existentially. the word "blunt" comes to mind. that's what so much of humanity is. AI is blunt. War is blunt. hatred is blunt. there's nothing to reflect on with each close-minded idea. "blunt". so much of life is blunt. The food we eat should be blunt, not the way we treat humanity and the planet. blah, blah, blah. My thoughts aren't "deep" or anything, I know, I just write what my mind spits out. that's what a blog is for, right? if you don't like it, make your own!!! I did an interview for my school's broadcasting students. about robotics. I probably look so ugly in it haha cuz i get so nervous and pasty when I'm on camera... maybe it'll go on the morning news. then this entire establishment will see my pasty, pudgy self. oh, joy.

TODAY'S MISSION: drink some water. or cure this ailment in other ways...

TODAY'S FOOD GIF:

May 11, 2026

Hey hey, netizens. I'm not doing the greatest right now. I mean, I ate lunch with mellow today, and I hung out with friends this weekend (I read ur blog. jemma!!! I wish my site were as cool as urs!!) But I paid a visit to my grandmother in her memory care facility yesterday. She's not doing great, which is killing me. I'm sad and angry and confused and scared.... and I can only imagine she's feeling that ten-fold. It was all I could think about during my Calculus exam today. I probably did terrible on it, because all that was on my mind was her and that dreary facility and just how miserable she was. Why'd it have to happen now? I need a distraction from it all. Something to busy myself with... a bad habit or a good habit, anything really. Maybe I can hang with some friends again soon. It's helped me a lot, and I'll never say it out loud (because i'm kind of ugly and awkward) but it's really good to see them all and kick back to chat with no pressure or anything. or maybe i'll go mini golfing with mellow. Even though I always lose, it's pretty killer to get outside and hit things. School's actually ending this week. It's my last week of high school. Weird. I'll miss a few people (luneth) and i'll reflect on all I've done here, but I'm excited for the summer! Going to greece, going swimming, hanging with friends, making big money... just because I'm graduating doesn't mean I'm going to be lazy, haha. I feel weird right now. I feel like I don't deserve to be happy for the future with all the bad things happening in my life right now. I'm nowhere near the woman I should be. I need to lose weight and be more of an adult for the people around me. Everything's so slow and so fast and I just want to put some things in my life away and never have to look at them again and my mind is so loud right now. I want it all to be a little quieter.

TODAY'S MISSION: eat less and do more

TODAY'S FOOD GIF:

May 8, 2026

Wearing my frankenstein shirt today :-). u will NEVR get how much I love frankenstein. and all of universal's monsters, really. In other words: German expressionist films!! Das Cabinet des Dr. Caligari!!! The Man who Laughs!! NOSFERATU!!! they're beautiful. maybe I'll get a tattoo dedicated to one of em. more people need to watch old silent films. or pre 1970 talkies. it's our history, after all. I did a whole presentation about this in my expository class last semester; media literacy is developed by consuming a variety of media forms and styles. It's my biggest peeve with society: No one really has the patience to sit down and watch a movie that may not be "entertaining" in the sense that Action movies or TV dramas are entertaining. My favorite "modern" movie (1971...) is Harold and Maude. Which isn't exactly a standard comedy or romance, but it's the most beautiful and reflective film I have seen in my life. Bud Cort, the actor for Harold (and Edgar from Electric Dreams) recently passed away, and I feel a part of the 70's and 80's age of film has been lost. Man, seeing those in theatres back in the day... some guys get all the luck. Someone needs to watch JAWS 3-D with me. That movie is hilariously bad.... meant for 3D viewing... yet it's got that gorgeously awful CGI of the 80's. It's just as good everytime I go back to it... that goddarn shark scene.... I need it in my veins... I had a delightful walk today!!! during my lunch hour!! I was spinning and dancing and stuff and I probably looked crazy but I'm outta this joint in a week!! I don't care!!! chemistry is fun!! because i don't do any chemistry!!! my tablemates rock and the teacher rocks and everything rocks today!!! woooooooooooop!!!! look at this AMAZING SPINNING FOOD GIF!!! idk wat it is!!! but hey hey hey it looks pretty kewl!!!!

TODAY'S MISSION: embroider sum moar in 6th period :p

TODAY'S FOOD GIF:

May 6, 2026

Man. I'm tired. You guys ever get that feeling where your legs just hold you down and drag against the floor and walking becomes the HARDEST THING EVER because you're so so so tired??? that's my life right now. I'm not even mentally sleepy, My mind is wide awake. This graduation stuff is starting to feel real. I'm not sad, I'm just worried i'll get FOMO for all the things I decide not to do. Oh well. That's not important! This week will be fun!!! it already has been!!! I went over to Jemma's house for a bonfire on monday!! and guess what I'm going to do AGAIN this saturday??? that's right. ANOTHER BONFIRE!!! woop woop!!! Saturday will be so busy... My robotics team is going to be in our city's parade, which means i'll have to drive and navigate through the city (already cramped) during our busiest day of the year... Man, life's gotten me good lately. But it's been kind to me this week. maybe it'll be kind next week too?

TODAY'S MISSION: drink something soon. good golly I am so thirsty.

TODAY'S FOOD GIF:

May 4, 2026

Hey hey hey!!! your girl got her exercise yesterday!!! I Invited some friends, Jemma, Myk3l and mellow (he doesn't have a neocities >:( ) over for a campfire, but the wind was against us, so we couldn't get very far with it... but we decided to go hiking through the woods instead, which was substantially beautiful and fulfilling :-). its been way too long since i've hung out with a good group in nature, with no pressure to spend money or constantly entertain... I'd forgotten that friends shouldn't exhaust me all the time! I'd forgotten that friends shouldn't leave me feeling morose and empty! No! I knew satisfaction yesterday. With my partner and two friends I haven't had time to really sit down and talk with in a while... I didn't have that horrible preformance anxiety I found myself always plagued with when hanging out with people who didn't really like me. If jemma, myk3l and mellow don't like me, they hide it pretty well! I like nature, and I like it even better when I find dilapidated concrete and rebar structures strewn throughout. It grounds me and connects me back to humanity in a vulnerable and intimate way. The concrete is exposed and weathered and subject to the mercy of the earth around us. as am I. It is flawed and puts on no faces to show me the sterile perfection that makes this world so boring. The intimacy of "ugliness" and frailty is so rare and yet I desire it so much. I'm sick of intimacy being equated to sexuality. No, I want to share my soul with others. I want to share how i've screwed up my life and how i've embarrassed myself and how i've not always done so great. And I want to hear the imperfections of others, too. The concrete shared with me its imperfections.. how time has warped it; I shared mine. Tonight, I may go hang with the same friends for a bonfire (a REAL one, with no wind!) It sounds perfect, before exams steal me away for a week. I already can't wait to explore new woods, see and breathe the same atmosphere that others before me did, and find whatever the forests want me to find. The practice feels simple and menial, but I believe all of us need a menial walk through the woods sometimes. I know the phrase has been exhausted before, but it really DOES make my problems feel miles away. Sitting here, growing closer to graduation, one stress of mine makes itself apparent: I'm very worried about the future of robotics. particularly, our image. I, the only woman, am about to leave. The club will be left full of emotionally IMMATURE teenage boys who have never known those different than themselves. They are intolerant and sheltered. The kind of people that find squinting your eyes to mock asians and calling trans people the r-slur funny. I fear I was the only person telling them it wasn't. With me gone, they'll only get worse. They'll fester more like them, and any diverse individuals will be driven away. It's not my job or responsibility to correct the shortcomings of men who should really know better, but I can atleast mitigate the damage they do by being a GOOD example of a mature person from the team. It's still such a struggle. to make STEM a safe field to study in high school for people who aren't right-leaning men. I will continue to fight it at the middle school level. Maybe I can teach them it's not nice to make fun of people not like themselves. Maybe I can show them the emotional maturity i've seen so many high schoolers lack.

TODAY'S MISSION: go 2 the doctor and up my zoloft dose. plus maybe look into surgery / corrective medicine for these immobilizing cysts in my right hand, which have proven persistent despite my best efforts.

TODAY'S FOOD GIF:

May 1, 2026

I got the job!!! or, atleast, I THINK I got the job... I didn't explicity ask "so, am I hired?" but they're setting up an orientation and training and all the stuff that COMES with being hired... so, yay!! money!!! manual labor!!! woop woop!! I know I want to be that kind of woman with a master's degree and a PHD and a doctorate and all that... but I also want to be tough, yknow? I want to know my stuff. it's so normalized for girls to NOT know how the wiring in their house works or the plumbing in their toilet or the engine in their car... and I don't want to fit that "ditzy, uneducation female" stereotype that I hate so much. I'll get a doctorate AND know how to maintain my car!! o yea!!! I finished my last calculus exam part. I guessed on a lot of questions.... I'm not in the right mindset to test right now, anyways. Oh well. I'll probably go estate hunting again tomorrow. but gas is 4.99 and I don't have that kind of scratch. does anyone? two more weeks. ten more days. then I'm gone. I hope I finish my embroidery project in time. zoloft review so far? I think I need to up my dosage. I still think too much about little things that don't matter. I've got a consultation in three days, so I can ask about stuff then. I held a sheep heart today. Weird, blood was pumping through that thing... keeping a living animal alive... and now it's not. Now it's in my hands and we're sticking pencils in the aortic and pulmonary openings to mark what once was significant to sustaining a life. The vegetarian in me hates how most of the sheep were probably only born and raised for food. It feels wrong to hold a slaughtered animal's organ, just a little bit.. all this modern medicine, and we can't come up with fake hearts to dissect? It's still interesting, I guess. I just wish I could bisect it and see the interior chambers and the vena cava's exit and entrance paths... why give us a bag of hearts when we just poke and prod on the outside??? Back to that "ethics of dissection" thing. I think it's different for humans. Those who donate their bodies to science are aware of what will happen to them after death. They consent to the poking and the prodding... animals will never understand why we take their organs to teach children what a tricuspid valve looks like. I've seen fake frog dissection models. They're just as educational. And if made well, they're just as accurate. People would probably get mad if those were more widely accepted, for the sake of "accuracy" or "originality" i guess. I need to read more books. More upsetting little numbers that make me sit back and think about what i've read. The Color Purple was kind of like that for me. A book about women winning... until the protagonist's love interest leaves her briefly for a teenage boy. I didn't like that part. she doesn't leave her cheating girlfiend either. she just accepts her back with open arms. Sorry to rant, but that's been my one and only complaint since I read the book a year ago!! and i'm STILL not over it!!! grrr!!!

TODAY'S MISSION: lay down and breathe out all of this week's smog. and listen to "bizzare love triangle" by new order :-)

TODAY'S FOOD GIF:

Apr 28, 2026

Well! The power was out at my house all night long. It wasn't even really stormy, just so so so windy!!! Oh well, I got a nice eight hours of sleep out of it. Today is the first day of my four-day-long calculus exam. Great. it's not like I WANTED to study for it last night anyways... I got good scores on both of my math placement tests tho! So I can maybe skip a few credits between math and english... definitley english. My 5 on AP Lit gets me out of like, 2 prerequisite courses. pretty kewl. I got a creeproduction venus and a freak du chic frankie recently!!! two dolls i've really wanted that I got for pretty awesome prices. Frankie was in rough shape; she had yellowed and matted hair with a little bit of glue seepage. It was very simple to fix, tho. I 3D printed a top hat for her and she's pretty much done! I'm so proud!! Her hair is saran, so it's so soft and curly!!! Venus has polypropylene hair, which is kind of plastic-y and coarse. It sucks, yeah, but it's nowhere near as unbearable as the community makes it out to be. It looks amazing on display, which is what a lot of consumers end up doing... With a little bit of work (and materials I don't have) it CAN be soft-ish and nice. Maybe i'm biased because Venus is my favorite Monster High character. I won't ever buy first hand from mattel, but I'm always prowling mercari or depop for good-ish dolls cheap. I have a job interview today!!! maybe i'll update tomorrow on how it goes... if I don't get hired, that's OK, I've got a backup gig I can fall back on. I'm really just aiming for a factory job for the cash, and maybe the weight loss... I have to be careful about heat stroke. VERY careful. I hear zoloft makes your heat tolerance so much worse... that factory is bad enough for people off zoloft! gwehhhh...

TODAY'S MISSION: robotics.

TODAY'S FOOD GIF:

Apr 27, 2026

The bleeding cis-3-hexenal from the freshly cut lawns of this campus ground me to this Earth while my head wanders elsewhere. Graduation is less than twenty days away. For the first time in fourteen years, there won't be a "next year". Not in the way it's always been, at least. University, to me, is just a symbol to my ending youth. high school represents freedom, right? the final few years where students can kick back before their lives just become a cycle of neverending work and all the stresses that come with being an adult... I still feel so small. I'm not ready to give up my cozy life at home with my parents always just a few steps away. Who will comfort me when I wake up sick at a dormitory? What a pathetic adult-child I am. I bet I sound really stupid right now, huh? I still remember hugging my parents for my first day of senior year. It might as well have been yesterday. Senior year has been so slow and so fast and the earth beyond childhood is a miserable place right now. I don't have as many friends anymore and I'm absolutely fine with that. The people I do like see me everyday. I talk to who I want to talk to. Everyone else in this school seems so unpleasant. I don't want to be friends with people who can't stand eachother when they're sober. Or people who talk to much and pollute their lives with mindless, meaningless speech. This life is an awful place and we must recognize that to improve it and reach clarity. This school doesn't matter. These strangers don't matter. The few people I speak to daily understand my way of thought. They too understand what matters and what doesn't. This cosmic nihilism has freed me from the anxiety I have experienced all my life. I don't care if people don't like me. I don't care if I disrespect these halls with my messy hair and worn pajamas. Nietzsche was an awful man in many ways but he was not without reason. God, as a concept, was slain by us long ago. We must create new concepts and new purposes and new joy and love and God may live again after all. Christianity means nothing if you do not honor the concept of God through your actions and beliefs. "Christian" becomes just a title awful people use to feel better about themselves. The title you return to after sending your neighbor to a prison camp or driving your homosexual son to suicide. Those responsible for the death of God will never realize it. I love my parents. I love my friends. I love my partner. I know that nothing at this school will matter to me next year. But I am still losing a part of myself. I find myself thinking back on elementary school. First grade year. Did she ever think about this moment? What am I even saying. She's me. She's graduating this year, too. I'll bet she's real happy I'm not getting beat-downs everyday in the football field from douchey upperclassmen. Life really did fly by and so many years of my life are condensed into one blurry thought. Not first grade, though. I hope that girl who got beat-downs everyday in the football field is doing alright.

TODAY'S MISSION: Maybe do my math placement test for college?

TODAY'S FOOD GIF:

Apr 25, 2026

ahhh!! entry streak of 2 days!! waow! good evening netizens. I had quite a fun day. I drove all across my side of the state going through liquidation sales and trying to find anything cool. I got a pearl necklace for 50 cents, and because neither mellow nor I had fifty cents in cash on us, they let us have it for free!! I mean I guess they're not breaking the bank by missing out on a fifty-cent transaction. so turns out comic con WASN'T today, it's TOMORROW. weird!! some dumb couple was getting married at the venue so I guess they couldn't hold it today... can you believe it??? I have to wait a whole 'nother day to oogle at 3D printed slop vendors!! ugh!!! I got my grad cap and gown and i'm taking some photos in it tomorrow. Even tho the photographer insists on removing my freckles and acne (which IS a part of me at this point, its not going away anytime soon) she's pretty good at making me NOT look completely awful. I made all the web pages match again. I know, it still looks thematically novice, but I'm happy with it and also way too busy to improve it so cowabummer. I'm having awful cramps right now. I hate periods!!! guess it's an excuse to eat more sugar, i'll already be bloated and miserable for the next five days. No deep musings today. I'm tired and I can't think of any somber things to blog about. I need to visit Chicago again! that's my final thought for this entry. The last time I went to the museum, It was on a school trip...with a group of other people... and very little time to stop and look at things... I didn't actually SEE any of the art pieces they're known for!! I want to be able to really spend some time there. I'm no poseur. I hate those that subject fine art to aesthetics or face-value beauty or monetary value... especially monetary value. Wolfgang Beltracchi!! The man u are!! a true genius. an arrogant, fraudulent genius. I'd give anything to see that guy work.

TODAY'S MISSION: get a good night's sleep. and drink enough water!!

TODAY'S FOOD GIF:

Apr 24, 2026

I'm not dead. Pinky swear. I've wanted to make another entry for a while, but I've always been driven away by something more important. I was reminded of a friend and her cool blog today, and I decided I wasn't going to put anything off anymore. A lot has happened, and yet, nothing's really changed when I stop and think about it. High School Robotics came and went. We didn't do so hot, and didn't earn a spot at states. That's fine. I'm not bitter anymore. I won't look back at this year fondly, but I don't regret the work I did. I switched medications too. Prozac made me gain a lot of weight, and what's the point of taking antidepressants if my body makes me depressed as a result? I'm trying zoloft. Let's see how it goes! I have something close to fifteen days left before my last time at high school. I wonder what it will feel like? That day after, when I wake up and won't have calculus or chemistry or anything else to get me down in the dumps. If nothing makes me feel sad then what will be there to give me any feeling of what happiness is like? I know that all the stress of my life right now will just manifest in other things. I'll get a factory job. I know, it'll be miserable, but when that first paycheck hits I know i'll feel a LOT better. To be honest, netizens, I've had a million different deaths and awakenings and revalations and i'm quite tired of who I am. I sobbed in bed yesterday and wished I could be four years old again, in my mom's lap, with her hand petting my hair and my mind half-awake... I'm still so childish in so many ways. Only difference is my mom doesn't pet my hair anymore, haha. I could type up so many irregular "wants" but I've typed enough of those already. I NEED to finish off strong. I NEED to hang in there. I NEED to be a cooler person to those who know me. I wonder how many people I'll stay in touch with? I can only think of a handful of people I ever want to talk to at any given time, and those people know that, because I DO already talk to them. Someone walked up to me today and said I look like i'd make a cool aunt who smokes weed. Is that a compliment?? I've never done any smokage.... is it a rite of passage to look the way I do? I suppose I am kind of sleazy. Not kind of. I dress like a total dirtbag most days. I want people to think I'm tough but I want to be four again with my hair being pet by my mom. Pull it together!!! No one's waiting for me back in these memeories I get hung up on. Everyone else in the world has moved on. I don't move much at all I guess. I've been played Pokemon X on an Emulator, which is super fun!! I love zigzagoon, and I know that's basic but it's basic for a reason!! I've been rambling a lot about a lot of different sappy pitiful things, but I really do need to make today good. and tomorrow. and Sunday. Today, probably just play more Pokemon X. Tomorrow, go to Comic Con with Mellow and maybe look around in some estate sales. Sunday will be a lot of different things but I hope I can be happy with myself when the day is done.

TODAY'S MISSION: finish this awful diet mountain dew because I don't want to waste it, even tho it suckz.

TODAY'S FOOD GIF:

Feb 17, 2026

Hey Netizens. Been a while. My new semester + robotics season + being gone for a week will KILL ya, I say. But! I got to take apart a sheep brain. it's so odd to me how brain surgery is possible. Bringing someone home a day after taking apart their head? modern medicine is beautiful. when I say I hate the future of tech, I NEVER mean healthcare. I'd love to be a doctor. Any kind; I just can't stand vomit. I know there are lots of kinds that don't involve pukey little twerps, but I'm in deep with all this environmental science stuff. I also went to Universal Studios in Orlando! It was nice to get away from all the ice back home, and also funny to see the floridians treat 60 deg farenheit like the ice age. really? mittens and hats and big puffy jackets in this weather?? crazy. YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE??? CONSPIRACY THEORISTS!! WHO CONSPIRE INVOLVING THINGS THAT THEY SHOULD LEAVE ALONE!!! very relevant, as I'm doing a presentation on Sandy Hook's "hoax" mob, and I heard a notorious conservative in my first hour buzz on and on about how 9/11 being staged is a correct, non-problematic stance. We often forget that 3,000 real people died on that day. that's over 3,000 families alive today that have to deal with hearing idiots harass them about how their relatives were actors, or in on one big rug-pull scheme, or just never existed at all. Just stick to aliens. No one's died from aliens... confirmed deaths, at least. You can drone on about how aliens run McDonald's or Food Lion and that's one thing. I'll entertain it. I won't entertain nimrods who understand jack squat about engineering try to explain to me how I'm wrong for listening to architects explain why 9/11 was in fact, not an inside job. All it takes is a few bad coincidences to discredit a tragedy. I'll stop talking about it, though. Valentine's day was nice. I spent the day planewatching (and searching for a restaurant that wasn't full...) with mellow!! our mediocre meal didn't make the day any less fun. Plus he got me a monster which I'm drinking right now. Thanks mellow!! I need to catch up in calculus. who woulda thunk that being gone for a week won't do you much good.

TODAY'S MISSION: Calculus. conquer it..

TODAY'S FOOD GIF:

Jan 14, 2026

exam day 1 has concluded. i'm hungry and thirsty and tired and I don't really feel that great about particularly anything... This morning I overheard my mom chewing out my sister about her GPA: a 3.95, not a 3.99. high standards! doesn't mess me up at all! Nope! Robotics season has started. And i've got homework for that, too. It's killing me. haha. I never am not thinking about java, all I have to learn, all i'm still crud at doing...hell, when I woke up this morning, my FIRST thought was about java. and then it was about my cat, who was screaming in the hallway. I'm sorry I never update anymore, but right now life is just... so much and there's so many people and nothing ever shuts up or slows down. and it's hard to be motivated, because none of this robotics work will help me in the future. I'm not going to change my role on the team (for a few reasons) but I feel so alone :( I just want to make someone proud. Lately, i've been doing the opposite. I know i'm lazy, but who can look at the world and not be? I can feel their gazes. Everyone thinks i'm an idiot. I am, but it still doesn't feel too great.

TODAY'S MISSION: drive and work and drive and work and drive and work and

TODAY'S FOOD GIF:

Jan 7, 2026

First blog post of 2026!!! I've been terribly busy, with both exam season AND robotics season looming over me... It's hard to find time to improve the site. I've felt so down lately. down about the future, the past, my appearance... I'm hoping that, next semester, I can wriggle out of two of my non-mandatory courses and free up that time to study for more important things. I got a new follower!!! their name is letti. Idk what brought them here, but if ur reading this... Hii!!!! I have a calculus test today. A 70% on that would be a dream come true. I'll write longer blog entries when my mind finds me again. For now, bye!!

TODAY'S MISSION: go to robotics and try to fight the discomfort of being inexperienced.

TODAY'S FOOD GIF:

Dec 30, 2025

Here we are... last blog post of 2025. I'm glad I started this lil number. I'm writing a 3 page book in minecraft for diamonds on this server i'm in. Finally stretchin those literature muscles... and I got a reel drama Cleo De Nile doll off of mercari!!!! she's so pretty. I boil washed her hair so it lies flat. For new years, I'm doing the same thing I've been doing for all my life. Eat and celebrate with those I love. Last New Years, I was watching Squid Games Season 2. So much has changed since then... it's insane to think that was already a year ago.

TODAY'S MISSION: post this on the blog.

TODAY'S FOOD GIF:

Dec 25, 2025

woah nelly.... the CHRISTMAS blog update!!! merry holidays 2 every1!! im writing this on my new laptop I recieved... thank u mom and dad! I love you guys, even tho you won't read this. lol. I've been having a nice break... lots of sleepibng.,...not a lot of schoolwork. I'll get to that. mellow got me season 1 of ER on disc!!! i will binge it. i've been playing lots of minecraft and dying a lot on the aforementioned minecraft. I may just become a fisherwoman.... that's an honest livin... i'll update later through the day, maybe. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

TODAY'S MISSION: survive family christmas gathering.

TODAY'S FOOD GIF:

Dec 19, 2025

T'is friday! two weeks of break (and erratic blog posting) are nigh... I've got too much homework to do to call it a "break", truly. I played speed (card game, not the drug) with luneth in environmental science today...!!! and MAN i wish they canceled school today. It was a bastard to drive in. I so dearly wish to go back to antique stores and flea markets... I need to do a bunch of housekeeping at home (thats where you do it typically) and set up my miniature christmas houses like a NERD!!! You ever realize how many things have gelatin in them? how many things don't NEED GELATIN AT ALL?? I can't eat things that I never noticed weren't vegetarian. But I can eat soy yogurt. I love soy yogurt. My mom got me a carton yesterday and that shit's almost gone. freakin killer, dood... mail me soy yogurt in a box for christmas. No container. Just scoop it into the box. be wild. be free.

TODAY'S MISSION: skip the school assembly bcuz its loud and smelly and crowded and I don't like most of the people in it.

TODAY'S FOOD GIF:

Dec 18, 2025

I believe I shall become a Vegetarian. I have thought of it for the past few months, but I have put my own selfish desires before my moral interests for long enough. I have nothing against those who eat meat. For many, there is no choice; however, I have the privelege to turn my support to more ethical industries. I love tofu :) There will be challenges, and my diet will be miserable for a bit until I get used to this thing, but too many chickens and pigs and cows are constricted to cages only big enough to fit their own bodies....it's awful. PETA has given this whole animal rights movement a bad look. People think of all the harm that organization has done, and assume all of us who believe in their core ideas are crazy hippies. I'm an environmentalist, and today I learned that it takes 20 times more land and 10 times more water to produce the same amount of calories from beef as it does from plants. 70% of our acgricultural land is used for animals. It's unsustainable and will not support our Earth forever. I am aware that ethical sources of eggs and milk exist, but I believe "ethical slaughter" is an oxymoron. Beef is not worth the carbon dioxide and methane. In many ways I am a hypocrite. Not this one. I cannot preach environmental health and eat a burger for dinner... It doesn't sit right with me. I have the choice to refuse. I believe I shall refuse.

TODAY'S MISSION: Eat tofu for dinner, if we have any...

TODAY'S FOOD GIF:

Dec 17, 2025

Only wednesday.....i'm full of iced tea. roughly 60% of the human body is water...mine is probably 5% tea right now. my face is itchy and bloated. I just keep rubbing my eyes and nose and I feel greasy and achy... I've aquired paints and brushes for doll repainting!!! I'm practicing so I can really blow my expectations out of the water. It's a shame, Toralei might be nude for a while... until I can sew or buy some clothes for her. she will be truly unique :). My pants have a hole in them!!! I must repair it asap!!! today feels so long...maybe on my lunch break i'll take a nap in my car. lol. is it this weather? does the cold snow and ice really weigh that much upon my eyelids? My vision is blurring. My pencil sits limp in my hand. Even typing is getting hard... I'm pretty sure I snored like a pug with a respiratory infection in environmental science. oops. I need a job. Maybe some gig where I work once a week or do babysitting freelance work...regardless of how, I NEED MONEY. I hate how much money controls our society, but so much in life is padded by wealth. Gas, gifts, dates, little trinkets I don't need...I feel so much more independent when I've got the safety of a few dollar bills through tough situations. if anyone i know irl is reading this...lmk if youve got any odd jobs that need a-fillin by an incompentent womanchild. I need a drink. some more tea.....

TODAY'S MISSION: SLAP MY BELLY LIKE A FAT SEAL!!!

TODAY'S FOOD GIF:

Dec 16, 2025

Damn.. I'm tired, broke, out of shape, struggling with my grades...but we keep fighting!! XP!!

TODAY'S MISSION: sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

TODAY'S FOOD GIF:

Dec 15, 2025

ooogh....another monday...Saturday was really fun! getting free breakfast + lunch was a bonus, but seeing all the cool robots at these FTC competitions is really my jam, no matter how ingenuity of their designs. I found a lot of two rerooted monster high dolls I might buy. I could practice repainting faces on one...that would be REALLY cool. This week I must buy gifts, white elephant things, and various other objects before the holiday shoppers REALLY kick it up in volume. I wish my calculus quiz could be graded. We did it like a week ago and I REALLY think this is the one that'll up my grade...the anticipation is killing meeeee!! I've been playing a cool two-person video game with mellow. It's called Operation: Tango. Sometimes it makes me feel stupid, but stupid in a funny way. I'm halfway through day one out of five, and then I'm out for two weeks.. Man, I need Jersey Mike's. I need a good sandwich right about now. Or right about tomorrow, or any day of the week. I'm not picky. I think about the turkey-and-provolone little number my boyfriend got yesterday, and I am driven mad with yearning. I yearn for a lot. I'm greedy like that.

TODAY'S MISSION: make it through the day..

TODAY'S FOOD GIF:

Dec 12, 2025

This little old site's gotten 1.5k views...how about that? I don't think it's accurate. Most of them are probably me. I need to step back from this leisure. I'm tired of being okay with things. it wasn't self-love that built me into this academic piece of work, it was stress. What business do I have feeling happy about myself? I haven't earned that right at all. to sleep, perchance to Dream; I need something bad for me. Dystrophic energy drinks or nicotine patches to plaster my flesh with. I need something to make me feel like dirt. So when I manage to grow something from all this mud and silt and rock, it doesn't seem so bad. It would feel right. I tell myself that a nice break would help me gather my bearings. That snow day? a day to get work done? I kid myself. I'll rot the time away in my bedroom, stagnant, like an old cup of water you don't dare to drink. I'll never learn, haha. I'm a hypocrite in so many ways. I have two A's, one B, two C's, and a D. beneath this fluoxetine there's a person who'd care about that. From 7 am to 4 pm tomorrow...volunteer work!! I ate some soup today. i'm feeling better.

TODAY'S MISSION: Sort out the food gif issue.

TODAY'S FOOD GIF:

Dec 11, 2025

Just as I suspected....the rotating food gifs are broken if sent within the confines of an email. I will have to download them to a google drive folder or upload them right to neocities, the latter of which i do Not Want To Do because of storage concerns. I'm freaking starving!!! the status effects of 9 PM Dairy Queen have worn off and left me full of bile!!! and not much else!!! Myk3l has offered me skittles. I feel like an oompa loompa. BUUUT I'm getting crab rangoons and sushi after school with mellow!!! who is probably reading this!! hi mellow!!! so thats actual nutrition to look forward to. I'm an oompa loompa that loves imitation crab :'-). You know who I've grown to like recently? Abbey Bominable's G1 core doll. I was ambivalent many moons ago....but now i'm in REALLY deep to this entire doll thing, and view her through rose-colored lenses. Not actually. Those would make her purple. I hope I don't get money for christmas...I'm not sound of mind over here. Save up for college? Save up for emergencies??? NAY! go, my funds! make haste to depop!!! hey, atleast it's not temu. I'm a classy impulse buyer. I can't believe there are people paying for AI subscriptions.....grok or chatgpt or some shiz like that. there are sound spending habits, dubious spending habits, and flat out nincompoopish spending habits. AI companions....ugh. I get it. I've been lonely before, COVID was hard on all of us...but I truly worry for those who set themselves up for inevitable heartbreak, after all these AI husbands or wives get updated and break, or snap out of whatever they've been conditioned to act like. They're so unapologetic about how harmful it is on the environment, too. Your "love" cannot justify the gallons of water polluted by the corporations who play individuals like yourself to make their money. Who am I talking to? Once again, I'm ranting to people who will never read it. All my mutual readers are anti-ai... I'm just complaining. lol. these skittles are yummy. They cause cancer in california. But i'm not in california. Checkmate, cancer.

TODAY'S MISSION: survive one more week until christmas break...

TODAY'S FOOD GIF:

Dec 10, 2025

rant of the day: whats up with dog treats looking like human treats. like...u go to the grocery store, and you'll see AISLES of the most delectable looking oreos and cookies and theyre FROSTED and they have SPRINKLES ON THEM....and in TINY TINY letters...boom. food 4 dogz. Why can't we all be shaping them like bones like the NORMAL companies do?? If i pick up a cookie and it's shaped like a bone, I'm gonna think its for a dog.....but some of these people are flying too close to the sun. this is NOT because I have recently consumed any canine food items. I have NOT done that. I have been SOBER for almost FIFTEEN years of that jazz. my era of being a toddler and putting anything remotely edible in my stomach concluded long ago. Mostly because I'm not a toddler anymore. ON TO MORE PRESSING ISSUES!!! I source my rotating food gifs from archive dot org. ONLY ONE PROBLEM... My school blocks archive dot org. I type up a lot of my blog stuff during school... Possible solutions? I create a google drive of my favorites and send them to my school email...but that'll take sorting through all 400-something gifs, putting them into a folder, and then sending them elsewhere... and who knows if that'll actually work? It's tough being a blog with a gimmick... My ancestors look upon me with GREAT disdain. only because I haven't crafted the ultimate food gif vault yet... I'm drinking MAD amounts of water rn and it kind of tastes like soap but so does everything sometimes. FOOD GIF OF THE DAY IS A BUN!!! LOOKING LIKE A PIG!! what's inside? probably pork. we'll never know. maybe some knowledge is best left unsought. I shoveled the driveway of snow and now my muscles hurt....I hope I get giant biceps. the robot we're building for the middle school robotics team is jank. As in, they didn't give us measurements on where to fasten things onto other things. So we're onto the launcher right now, and just figuring out that some things by the wheels are messed up. I love nyloc nuts! I love hex bolts! These construction guys outside my house need to shut up!!! putting in all this work just to build paper-thin houses smaller than my kitchen...and THEN having the STONES to charge >$2700 a month. the only nearby conveniences are a sketchy gas station and a CBD store. I guess we also have a taco truck that's pretty decent...maybe that's why they're are so expensive. My outsides are cold and my insides are warm. Can you say the same?

TODAY'S MISSION: bury myself under a bunch of blankets and reach a state of tulip-bulbiness.

TODAY'S FOOD GIF:

Dec 9, 2025

WHAT'S THIS>?!! A new look for the blog!! Please don't call it ugly, i'll cry. I've been working hard, and i'm just happy to have something new. I'm improving slowly and I'm becoming more comfortable messing around in HTML. My car is having engine problems, of which the origins are unclear....I'm hoping a simple oil change will fix it. I'm thinking of revamping the other pages, too. But for the home page....I'm not sure what I want to put there. Many decisions!! I spilled motor oil on my pants and now they look like crap...bummer. Also been looking at more Monster High Dolls. I'm praying for some g1 steal to come my way so I can restore it and have something to be proud of...even though no-one else will care besides mellow, lol. I haven't told u netizens yet...but in January, I'm going up to my future university to compete in a scholarship event!! I could get a full ride if I do well enough...and I mean, REALLY blow their socks off. How am I going to do that? I'm just looking forward to heading up there...i'll be at peace :).

TODAY'S MISSION: Go to middle school robotics and do robotics thingz.!

TODAY'S FOOD GIF:

Dec 8, 2025

Luneth's site is so kewl... She's editing through it rn...I'm totally stealing her idea for a film page....sorry NOT SORRY!!! Mellow and I watched the FNAF movie on friday....It was a lot of fanservice, but it was fun fanservice. We ran into a woman who was stuck in the snow and blocking roads heading North...and mellow jumped out of the car to help!! So then I'm parking the car, grabbing everything I thought would help, and running through a busy road with all-black clothes on and a stomach full of popcorn and Dr. Pib. Really made me realize how out of shape I am...haha. There we were, in a random person''s icy driveway, pushing a car with all our might. I almost slipped (and mellow DID slip...) But I can't tell you how good it felt to feel the car lurch back and free itself from its snowy tomb...The woman was so happy! She said she loved us, and then got beeped at by a bunch of jerks who weren't paying attention to what had just happened. I hope she's having a good day right now. It felt nice to help. The walk back to the car was dangerous, and mellow almost got hit a few times...gulp. I almost puked when all the excitement was over...The popcorn was NOT sitting well after all that strenuous pushing and running through snow...I'm glad i'm dating someone who would selflessly help a person in need, without question. I know a lot of "love-thy-neighbor" types at this school who would turn a blind eye to struggle. This aggressive christian guy in my humanities class comes to mind. ugh. Seriously, why take a course about world culture, philosophy, and religion if you are hellbent on expressing your intolerance for these topics? No, I don't think you're being oppressed because we didn't talk about Jesus enough (In your opinion, at least.. We did do an entire lesson on it though. But you were asleep.) Nothing shows an individual's true colors like observing how they treat those who they do not view as "worthy". It's so simple to just be kind...And these teachers already have to go through enough for so little pay. I prithee: Will your time spent in church or relentless push of christianity be enough to get you into heaven? How will your deeds weigh on your soul? Will that bible passage on your instagram page save you from the karma you have earned? I love christians who prioritize kindess over ideology, seriously. It's a tragedy how rare they are. My robotics mentor is a christian, but he's a good guy, first and foremost. If all christians were like him, I'd be less of an atheist. It's a shame how christians my age have intertwined their religion with intolerance and conservatism. God loves our immigrants. God loves our homosexuals and transgenders. This is a letter to a man who will never recieve it. Even if I did occupy him with the things I've discussed, he wouldn't listen. "God loves you." is their favorite phrase; they fail to recognize that God cannot project his love without their help. So many of "God's messengers" have sharp tongues and words that wound like bullets. Would it be so bad to put down the gun and listen?

TODAY'S MISSION: Watch mellow's brother's band concert.

TODAY'S FOOD GIF:

Dec 5, 2025

Anotha week in tha books.. with significantly more homework accomplished! What changed? Was it thanksgiving break? It can't be my meds. If anything, those make me LOSE my sense of urgency. Anyways, that makes me feel a lot more free for this weekend...wow. Who knew. I do still have work to do...but it's FUN work. It's pretty much all topics I get to choose with pretty lenient deadlines. I want to go antiquing, or something....Find some monster high dolls or something. locate someone who doesn't know quite what they got, or DOES know what they have, and is charging a fair, decent price for it. I also have to finish season 2 of ER! I stopped because I was watching it too fast, haha. While i'm talking abt the show... I got a killer t-shirt for a pretty killer price :D!! Life iz gud. my friend myk3l gave me a cheez-it, I might watch the FNAF movie with my boyfriend, and I'm starting to like robotics again. I've been trying to draw more during my 6th period, cuz right now I'm like a week ahead... mainly just heads and shoulders of people. I used to be a pretty decent artist, maybe i'll get better? maybe i'll find myself turning back into the person I wanted to be in middle school. Maybe I should get better at HTML!!! cuz when I look at my friendz' pages, and then I look at mine....Man, mine SUUUUX!!! I'm so uncool....but I think I'm sorta cool sometimes? myk3l won't stop drawing charlie from smiling friends. It's getting to a point... might stage an intervention.

TODAY'S MISSION: draw more instead of listening to hamlet's edgelord-ass in humanities.

TODAY'S FOOD GIF:

Dec 4, 2025

What do you mean it's almost Friday, already? That doesn't feel right...I went to high school robotics yesterday, for the first time in a while. I did 3D modeling of a plate and dowel combo to hold up an encoder on a wheel assembly some other students are making...and it felt great!! I missed 3D modeling so much...all programming and no build makes saoirse a dull girl. I'm not sure if i'll switch back to the build side of things, though...we're in desperate need of programmers, but I enjoy design work so much more. Sometimes I worry that, as a senior, I don't have the freedom to admit I'm still learning, or that it's okay to fall short of completion with the work I am given. I need to understand that people won't hate me for asking questions. I need to understand that my mentors won't percieve me as absolutely and utterly incompetent for being not as skilled as my teammates. I'm working on all that... It's tough to tell myself that things are okay. I'm actually up to date on calculus homework, which is a first... haha. I can call myself somewhat "confident" in my abilities to understand the work we are doing and all the theorems we are learning. My mother believes otherwise. I hope to do well on our next quiz, and prove to her that I'm not taking this college class for nothing. I'm old enough to get excited when gas is cheaper than it was previously. I am turning into an actual adult now....yikes.

TODAY'S MISSION: SERIOUSLY finish the expository work today.

TODAY'S FOOD GIF:

Dec 3, 2025

ARGH! sorry about that edgelord entry yesterday... I was in my feels. I'm better now, I've got an energy drink in my stomach and sog in my socks from all this gosh darn snow. A weird urge to do some restoration work on some old Monster High dolls plagues me as of late. I scrounge around on Mercari and Depop in my freetime, and I look for the sleaziest, most pitiful dolls I can find at a good price. I found a Rochelle Goyle for like, 8 bucks, because she's missing a leg, arms and all clothing. I could either get her New in Box for 200-something...or have some fun piecing her back together for less than half the price... Isn't it obvious which choice sounds more fun??! I went to Walmart yesterday with mellow, because I heard they had the Reel Drama dolls, but alas, I saw none on the shelves. I'm too broke and lazy to order one online, and all the second-hand reel drama dolls are being sold at like, EGREGIOUS prices...One thing remains consistent between my last entry and my current: I HATE SCALPERS >:(!!! Dolls are so pretty. I've got a big porcelain one my grandmother gave me. She's beautiful, and I feel I do not treat her as well as I should. She's in my basement right now... Maybe I'll have some tea with her today. She deserves it! I feel like I'm too brutish and bold to have a soft spot for these things....Here I am, eighteen years of age, looking at children's dolls online. Aren't I so grown? Ah, I don't care. They're all very pretty. In the future, I want to learn how to reroot and repaint things when i'm older... As a hobby. I'm praying that this snow will come down hard and keep us all locked inside of our houses. I'm doing good on homework, But I want to rot in bed all day, just like I did over break, lol. Have a safe day all!!

TODAY'S MISSION: Finish expository work. T'is long overdue...

TODAY'S FOOD GIF:

Dec 2, 2025

This is the worst time of year to have a driver's license >:(. I swear, people drive like they're immune to the torrential ice and snow the rest of us are subjected to. You can be a tailgater in summer - and you're a douche for doing that - but atleast you're a douche driving on clear roads. In winter, all these douches turn dangerous... Mari, our new kitty, Is doing just as well as she was doing yesterday. We're trying to get her to explore the rest of our house and maybe start tolerating her grandpa (pepper, our other cat). I'm torn between working over winter break or staying home and resting. I feel like a failure for being unemployed. Everywhere you go pressures you to buy or spend money in other ways, and I feel like a child in a world of self-sufficient adults who have mastered responsibility. It's christmas time, and I'm broke :(. I know the holidays aren't about presents and materialistic gifts, but it would be nice to grant my boyfriend that blanket he wants or my mother the alien statue she saw at the mall and fell in love with. Scalpers make it impossible to find anything niche for people at a reasonable price. Monster High's Xenomorph Collector doll comes to mind. It would be a cool little thing for my mom, but when all you find online are listings charging almost triple the price for it...($85 vs $250, take your pick.) I want to put the world on pause and just take a deep breath. I'm not one to make detailed to-do lists, but I could really use an extra 24 hours in the day to just get all of my work done. Even if I did have that extra 24 hours, I probably wouldn't get anything done. I'm lazy and incompetent like that. Oh, there's also the high school robotics competition season looming over my head. Great. It totally doesn't drive me crazy thinking of trying to work in that environment again. Alone. Without people my age working with me. I miss you, Mellow. I miss you, Andrew. All the good is gone and all the bad has remained and doubled in size. There's like, one mentor on this team that I like, and everyday I have to face reality: I'm disappointing him. I hardly know Java, and nothing inspires me to try to learn it anymore. I'm a bookshelf that overflows with half-written memoirs of calculus, expository, chemistry, you name it... I've got the book to learn java, but it just won't fit in with all the other things I have to learn and finish. I'm not good at honoring anything that makes me who I am. Atleast I have two cute cats to go home to tonight.

TODAY'S MISSION: Maybe prevent myself from failing any more future Calculus quizzes.

TODAY'S FOOD GIF:

Dec 1, 2025

Thanksgiving break has concluded. I am back at school. My hair is a little less blonde and a little more pink.. Mari, the cat I mentioned in my last blog post, has arrived in our household! She's expectedly very nervous about her new environment and her new roomates, but she's made so much progress! she has so much fur, and she's a calico, too! a very pretty girl indeed. It's getting snowy here in the midwest. I'm a little more hesitant about driving, but everything feels so much more cozy :-). A dentist appointment waits for me after school, but I may reward myself with a visit to walmart in the presence of my boyfriend. My hands are so shaky right now...should I get lunch today? We'll see. To summarize my break: I ate food with my family and mellow's, I hung out with mellow (a lot lol) and I slept. I'm still tired, though. I'm always tired...mentally and physically. someone tranquilize me -_-...I've got to fight the good fight for a couple more weeks until christmas break. that's the real ticket.. I'm ready for putting up my department 56 snow village house collection, fattening up on eggnog, and smothering myself with blankets. Christmas makes me happy. January does not... I wish december would last forever...

TODAY'S MISSION: get back into the groove of things.

TODAY'S FOOD GIF:

Nov 25, 2025

Last day of school before I get a nice five day weekend for thanksgiving. I've got a lot to be thankful for right now. My family, my friends, my boyfriend, my health...all that jazz. I'm thankful for driver's licenses....congrats Myk3l!!!! I'm thankful for this lil ol' page, too. It's given me a chance to keep up with my friends that I otherwise wouldn't be as close to. It's become my morning routine; I check up on my friends' blog posts, and then I write my own. It gives me a glimpse of their lives and thoughts I otherwise wouldn't see. One's in college, and I'm happy I've gotten the chance to stay close to her through this blog and my learning of how to operate it. I find it hard to sound smart when I talk. Mellow knows this....I've got good ideas, I think, they're just stuck up on some dusty top shelf of the Broca's area in my brain. I say so many wasteful things that I don't mean, or don't come out right, Or just aren't necessary...It's easier to write them all down here. I've never been one to keep a diary (too much work :P) but this is the closest thing to one I've got. It lets me express my appreciation for my friends without texting them some awkward, choppy message. It lets me organize myself and my thoughts. It gives me an outlet to seethe or celebrate about some mundane thing going on in my life. I can nerd out about my favorite things without feeling like I'm bothering someone with how poorly I display myself while doing so. I don't think of my biological family as much during thanksgiving as I do all I've made for myself. My loving partner (who I will be stealing mac n cheese from this thursday. watch out mellow.), and my friends and my academic successes.. I'd celebrate them this thanksgiving. I don't owe my rude aunt or borderline misogynistic uncle any thanks. I owe my mother and father thanks, of course, but I wish I could celebrate with just them. No loud old folk, no "offensive" humor, just them. I don't know how much I'll update this blog over the next week or so. In a perfect world I'd love to hibernate for three days straight and wake up feeling better than ever, but I've got responsibilities >:( I can be cringe on this site. I love this freedom. My family might be getting a new kitty this friday..... we shall see. I'll post a photo of her when it comes to that! Maybe that will be friday's blog post: "All About Mari"! Happy holidays everyone. To my friends: I care about you all so much. To mellow: I love you!! and I can't wait to see you later today. Bye all. time to do absolutley nothing in class..

TODAY'S MISSION: FINISH my calc test. still ugh.

TODAY'S FOOD GIF:

Nov 24, 2025

Nothing like a near-collision while driving to really sober you up to just how inexperienced you are. It's easy to zone out behind the wheel, or forget just how dangerous the act of it is...Only one reader (mellow) was there, and knows just how scary it was. I don't trust myself as much anymore, haha. Other than that, It was a fun trip to the city. We went to a giant antique mall, there were lots of cool thingz :), such as an old voltometer, and a massive garfield collection. There was an entire shelf of old cameras, which I know absolute jack about...thankfully I'm dating someone who somehow knows the precise anatomy of these alien devices. He sometimes says he's a novice about this stuff, but I don't believe that..... I found a disc box for season 2 of my favorite TV Show, ER, and spent way too much money on it, lol. But it's worth it. I used a lot of my downtime watching that on my old windows XP laptop, because my new computer doesn't have a media player. I forgot just how much I love that show! I'm already looking on ebay for the other seasons.. but I only really want to own up to season 8. The entire reason I want the seasons on disc is so I can have it on hand at anytime. My mom thinks I'll treat it like junk after I finish the season...but I've been coming back to this show for the past 4 years. This is my treasure. It's mine...I own it! My favorite characters are pretty much in my pocket..I still can't believe it! I know I'm way too excited about this. It's mundane, really. I need to calm down. I go back to teaching middle school robotics tomorrow. I like doing that. My mentor called me "awesome". "awesome" is a nice feeling. I hope I can be "awesome" tomorrow.

TODAY'S MISSION: Pass my Calculus test. ugh.

TODAY'S FOOD GIF:

Nov 21, 2025

Today is Friday. The bar by my house will beat with life long after every other pulse has ceased. It's a beautiful building - a spirit of line-dancing and liquor entombed within a monumental old barn - but it's oh so loud. I've adjusted, and now it's another soothing reminder of the inherent human experience, unfolding just a mile away. Life's funny. I recieved my first guestbook entry yesterday! Hello Luneth!! She has started her own blog, you can read all about it here. Last night I TOTALLY LEGALLY DOWNLOADED 20-some more songs onto my MP3 player. As a result of my first-hand experiences with this device, my mind's eye has shed its cataracts, and I see capitalism as the evil it is. I hate how normalized ads are everywhere. Seriously, since when did we as a society decide spotify premuim was a neccesary expense? since when did we decide that the hostile price-gauging of media important to our history and culture was acceptable and inevitable? Am I making any sense? The worst trait a person can have, In my opinion, is mindless compliance to consumerism and its agents. Consumption is not sustainable. Brands are not your friends. Pirate more. Thrift more. Go out and buy a CD player. Go look around goodwill or somewhere adjacent and buy some movie discs. No more monthly payments. No more unskippable advertisements. The entire Star Wars' Skywalker Saga can be yours forever, without the incessant pressure to buy buy BUY. My weekend plans! Saturday will start with cleaning: my car and room... and then I will head to the big city with mellow to go antiquing!! I'm looking for Rockafire Explosion memorabilia, vintage presidential campaign pins, or old monster high dolls to restore. Only the pins are ever really a reasonable price, though. The ring mellow got me is very beautiful, but it's got my real name on it, so I can't share it here :-(. I wear it every day, and keep it close to my heart. Have a good weekend, all.

TODAY'S MISSION: Finish my chem lab before it's due, later today...

TODAY'S FOOD GIF:

Nov 20, 2025

Good morning netizens..! and a very good morning to jemma and luneth who both shouted me out on their blogs :-) This site has been a good way to keep up with old friends I don't see in person much, like them. I didn't end up going to robotics yesterday, I opted to lounge at home and played Tomodachi Life instead (paul mccartney and spongebob are having a baby. love wins.). lately, I've been thinking about college so much... I can't wait to be out of high school. I mean, I'm afraid of it, but I'm excited to leave all I want to leave behind and focus myself entirely on what I want to do and who I want to be. Maybe I'll make a gallery page of all the places I go and things I see. Oh, I added a guestbook to the site, but right now it's only a link on my front page. I'll convert it to its own dedicated page sometime when I gain that knowledge. I also need to finish a page for all the old-school films I hold near and dear to me, but there's a few different directions I could go with that, and I need to ground myself and finish all my class things first. I love my calc teacher, but I feel like I don't deserve to talk to her with how bad my grade is... I've also got a million crochet projects to finish. The therapeutic hobby has become anything but. I'm chillin with mellow later today and looking forward to drinking a nice coffee. Maybe a nice coffee with mellow....

TODAY'S MISSION: Obtain and consume some good food for dinner.

TODAY'S FOOD GIF:

Nov 19, 2025

Spent my 2.5 year anniversary with mellow rather unceremoniously, building a robot with some middle schoolers. Man, I've been so caught up with HTML and CSS that I'm worried I've forgotten a lot of Java. It's not like I'm a good java programmer at all... If I wrote a book consisting of all the knowledge I can recall of the language, I'd make a damn good cover, and that's about it. I want to get some alumni who did work for the high school team together so I can learn from them, but I feel silly interrupting their busy college lives for me, some ditz they left behind in high school. I miss my old drive team. It's hard to say it to their faces, but my passion for robotics at the high school level just...isn't there anymore without them. I'm the oldest person on the programming side of things, and combine that with being the only GIRL, I always feel alienated from everyone else. I'm constantly irritated. It's like my way of deflecting my fears of falling short of expectations onto other people. If I'm mean and distant, I can't feel bad for failing, right? Today's a half day in school. Maybe i'll destress with some good ol' computer games. I could really go for a 90's point-and-click right about now.

TODAY'S MISSION: get good(er) at java.

TODAY'S FOOD GIF:

Nov 18, 2025

My worst fear about college is being so far away from all that I've grown up with. Oh, why does time insist on marching at such a rigorous pace? I worry that I neglect to appreciate all I have, and I will continue to do so until it will be out of arm's reach. I can thank modern technology for the ability to see my parent's faces at any time, it's a convenience my father did not have when he was in my position; however, there is one member of my family who will not understand why I'm gone. I am forced to watch as my cat's age makes itself evermore apparent as each year goes by. I've been close to my parents and far to my parents, but Pepper has always been here. 12 long years with him. I feel as if I've been a horrible person to all around me, in one way or another, but i'm thankful that his little feline mind lacks the sapience to recognize my flaws. Even if I am just a warm figure or a hand to stroke his fur, It would break me if something were to happen to him while I'm gone. December 16th will mark three years since the passing of my other cat, Earlene. I still cry about her a lot. I had a lot less going on back then, and having Pepper in the wake of her absence helped me bounce back better than I would have otherwise. I don't want to go home to an empty house. I don't want to see his favorite spot in my parents' closet collect dust. I'd give fifty years of my own life for the promise of his safety. Man, I feel so weak. today's blog post: saoirse is a crybaby. lol.

TODAY'S MISSION: get a smidge of homework done at the library. chill with mellow. build a robot.

TODAY'S FOOD GIF:

Nov 17, 2025

Good morning, all! :-) This weekend, I attended a symphony preformance of Braham's 4th with my partner, and visited my grandparents to tell all about my college plans. Shoutout to mellow for making a killer peach cobbler... and shoutout to my environmental science teacher for having us spend the hour watching a documentary about dirt right now. I have grown to love dirt in this class. As we see it more and more, I dislike the efforts some take to remove things like leaves on the ground. That's literally a worm's home, bro....ur making the worms HOMELESS. I don't care if your flat lawn of grass looks "ugly" as a byproduct. We need to think (literally) deeper than that. A guy just ate a handful of dirt in this documentary to analyze how well the soil saturates the vineyard it hosts. That's odd... but I rock with it. It's almost thanksgiving, and that's all that getting me through my classes. I'm pissed that this family never makes a good ol' mac n cheese for thanksgiving, though. I couldn't care less about friggin POTATO SALAD. goddamned white family is allergic to yummy food... Tomorrow is mellow and I's 2-and-a-half year anniversary, and I also get to work on the robot the middle school robotics team I mentor for is building. It's shaping up to be a sort of okay week. I hope it stays that way.

TODAY'S MISSION: learn about dirt. and maybe do calculus homework after that.

TODAY's FOOD GIF:

Nov 14, 2025

Well, I got my expository classwork done... but at what cost. -_- I barely slept a wink. It wasn't actually the late night Monster Energy that kept me up, like I expected; it was a wonderful little smoke alarm singing its heart out in the early hours of the morning. I'm powering through, though. I've got a weekend to look forward to with my partner. Oh, I also got a 28% (rounded up...) on my most recent calculus quiz. I thought that would bother me more, but my meds make it bascially impossible to care about things like that. It's funny. A year ago, I would've flipped my lid with a score like that, but now i'm just...apathetic to this sort of thing. See, it's good because i'm not worried about much at all anymore, and it's bad for that exact same reason. I hope to make this site look prettier soon. Maybe this weekend... Maybe sometime after. But i'll get it done. Have a nice weekend, all.

TODAY'S MISSION: Take a nice nap, or spend some good time in the company of those around me.

TODAY'S FOOD GIF:

Nov 13, 2025

Hello? Hello?!! This is my first ever blog entry! Shoutout to my friends, Mellow, Jemma, Myk3l and Luneth!

I'm having a good day. I hope you are, too. I've got lots of homework...

...but i'm choosing to get learnt up on HTML instead. This is way more fun.

TODAY'S MISSION: work on writing for my expository class. I'm speaking about silent films :-)!

TODAY'S FOOD GIF: